What’s all this sex malarkey?

Andy Warhol said sex is too much work. Mae West was just pleased to see you, well anyone really.

Sex is not the same as sexy. Sex is the business end of sexy and more often than not involves a trade-off – your juice for mine. You get my drift. Neither is sex the same as provocative, in fact, sexy isn’t always provocative and provocation is not always sexual.

What’s more, if tittle-tattle tabloid headlines are to be believed, sex is everywhere, instantly, just 3 feet from where you’re sitting right now!

Therein lies the conundrum which both interests and excites me (from a purely philosophical point of view of course). It interests me that so many people talk about it, think about it, say they want it and insist they need it. Nearly everyone has an opinion on it, a desire to express it, a score to boast about or dream about and yet in practical terms there’s so little actual sex going on. If it’s that fascinating why doesn’t everyone just shut up and get on with it?

Surely, the truth is, in most relationships, after the initial surge of exploratory lust has faded, what remains is a bit of a sorry, soggy mess. The feeling of dejection may be exacerbated by the unappetising fact that most people just aren’t very good at it. As a consequence, whenever the urge raises it’s ugly head, many people would rather crochet jackets for hot water bottles than get down and dirty.

I think the reason is simple. Let me try to explain without the usual titillation: If you’re hungry, you cook a meal. If you can’t cook, you get a takeaway from a place where the chef really knows what he or she is doing. If the car breaks down, you fix it. If you can’t fix it yourself, you get someone in who knows how. Are you with me so far?

The act itself almost always involves a bit of tinkering under the hood which kind of implies that the protagonists should know at least the basics of what it’s all about. To be even three parts average at something you need to practice. The more practice you get, the better you are likely to become. Simple. It seems to me that the business of sex training is something that desperately needs to be outsourced. So what’s the problem with paying good money for it. Why should people disapprove?  If you spend a few hours a week practising tennis, paying a coach good money for the benefit of his or her experience, would you feel obliged to sneak back home and expect to face the music?  No, you would not.

Being able to hold your own on a tennis court is commendable but surely sex is one thing you want to be really, really good at.  Just a thought.

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”  Joan Rivers

© Rivenrod 2015


  1. “The unappetising fact is most people just aren’t very good at it.” So disappointingly true. I loved this reflection when it was first published and I’m reading again. The obsession is sometimes more appetising than the actual fact. xoxxoxoxo


    1. As an example: There’s a preoccupation with corporations to stress how “seriously” they take everything – safety, fairness etc. – we know they don’t and even hearing them say it lets us know that they know they’re being hypocritical. A bloke bragging about sex in a bar usually means he’s probably scared to death and remains a virgin. In sex, everyone is a commenatator.

      I love the period of obsession, don’t you? A total adrenelin rush . . . will she, won’t she . . . xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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