Oi Methuselah! What’s all this sex malarkey?

Andy Warhol said sex is too much work.  Mae West was just pleased to see you, well anyone really.
Hmmm sex.  Sex is not the same as sexy.  Sex is the business end of sexy and more often than not involves a trade-off – your juice for mine – you get my drift.  Neither is sex the same as provocative, in fact, sexy isn’t always provocative and vice versa.

What’s more, if the headlines of the tittle-tattle tabloid press are to be believed, sex is everywhere, instantly, just 3 feet from where you’re sitting right now!  But it’s not true is it.

Therein lies the conundrum which both interests and excites me (from a purely philosophical point of view of course).  It interests me that so many people talk about it, think about it, say they want it and insist they need it.  Nearly everyone has an opinion on it, a desire to express it, a score to boast about or dream about and yet in practical terms there’s so little actual sex about.  If it’s that fascinating why doesn’t everyone just shut up and get on with it.  The truth is in most relationships, after the initial surge of rampant lust has faded, what remains is a bit of a sorry, soggy mess.  The unappetising fact is most people just aren’t very good at it and consequently, whenever the urge raises it’s ugly head, they would rather crochet jackets for hot water bottles than get down and dirty.

Despite all the nudge-nudge wink-wink obsessing, I don’t think the subject has ever been tackled head on, not in any direct and honest way.  Please allow me to try by offering at least one logical but highly improper suggestion.  If you’re hungry, you cook a meal.  If you can’t cook, you get a take-away.  If the car breaks down, you fix it.  If you can’t fix it yourself, you get someone in who knows how.  Are you with me so far.

Sex is one of the last necessary functions that’s crying out to be outsourced.

The act itself almost always involves a bit of tinkering under the hood which kind of implies that we should know what we’re doing and it’s an inalienable fact that to be even three parts average at something requires practice.  So what’s the problem with paying good money for sex training, why should people disapprove so?  If you spent a few hours a week practising tennis, would you feel obliged to sneak back home expecting to face the music?  No you would not.  Being able to hold your own on a tennis court is commendable but surely sex is one thing you want to be really, really good at.  Just a thought.

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp”  ~ Joan Rivers

Why Methuselah? Well, if the biblical story is accurate, then Methuselah and his unnamed wife are the ancestors, through Noah and his wife, of every living human being. And as we already know there are more human beings alive today than have ever lived.  And it’s all down to sex.


© Rivenrod 2015


  1. “The unappetising fact is most people just aren’t very good at it.” So disappointingly true. I loved this reflection when it was first published and I’m reading again. The obsession is sometimes more appetising than the actual fact. xoxxoxoxo


    1. As an example: There’s a preoccupation with corporations to stress how “seriously” they take everything – safety, fairness etc. – we know they don’t and even hearing them say it lets us know that they know they’re being hypocritical. A bloke bragging about sex in a bar usually means he’s probably scared to death and remains a virgin. In sex, everyone is a commenatator.

      I love the period of obsession, don’t you? A total adrenelin rush . . . will she, won’t she . . . xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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